Fainting Goat

I’ve decided to try a different approach with this new essay. So far, I’ve mostly written about myself, which may not be that interesting, so this time around, the writing will be observational, or about the things I observe wherever I go. So, in a way, I guess it’s still about me. Oh well. I’m sitting at Fainting Goat Coffee in Spring Hill, TN writing this. When I walk in, Chuck Berry is playing. The next song to come on is by Michael Jackson. In the lobby, there are portraits of *goat* versions of celebrities. There’s the goat version of Spock, David Bowie, and Queen Elizabeth. So as soon as I walk in, I’m immediately bombarded with Berry, Jackson, and Bowie, all of questionable character (look it up). But Berry did time in prison, and Jackson had a lengthy court process, so at least there was some accountability for their actions, despite their status. Bowie just seemed live his best life, all his life. And his crimes, as far as I know, are undisputed. To borrow a phrase from Paul Mooney, he had “the complexion for the protection.” Now, I’ve heard people try to frame the pointing out of these double-standards as being some type of apologist. This is not the case. All people should be held accountable, but double standards promote inequality in a way that holding none accountable would not. The real problem is that most people don’t even care about truth. They choose to apply nuance strategically, and only when it’s advantageous to them or their argument. However, I am no expert on social justice or debate strategies, and am probably not saying anything new, so I digress. This does bring about an idea for new writing material though: writing about rhetoric. I’ve been thinking about Frankenstein’s influence and how some horror fiction is derivative of it with common themes, but that’s considered okay. I don’t think the same hackneyed approach would be tolerated in a philosophical treatise.

…

There are videos on YouTube of David Foster Wallace talking about how everyone always feels the need to be distracted by something. (Look them up or message me for the link. The videos are good.) His words are somewhat prophetic, considering how everybody’s obsessed with their phones nowadays. He talked about how there’s always music in the background in public places. Although he said the music is usually bad, that’s not the case at Fainting Goat today. They played “Shout,” by the Isley Brothers, which is fire! I’d mostly heard a short-form version of that song in commercials, so it was cool to hear the whole song with all that awesome screaming. I love old-school R&B because it’s so genuine. Last time I was here, they were playing hipster music, which I’m not crazy about. Perhaps it’s good for coffee shops though, as background music, rather than more aggressive music that’s meant to be in the foreground. Hipster music is like modern-day elevator music. There are some nice ladies sitting in my vicinity, having a conversation. One of them asked me if they were bothering me. I told her “No, it’s fine,” which is true. Background noise doesn’t bother me when I’m writing like it does when I’m reading, so I’m thinking that most coffee shops are best suited for writing. In fact, the place is booming right now, so I’d probably have a fit if I tried to read something. But it’s great for writing since it gives you something to draw from. Billy Joel is playing now, which takes me back to a very specific point in time. I had quit my job at Sara Lee. Since I had newfound free time, I would drive to an all-night restaurant in Florence, AL in the wee hours of the morning. I’d listen to Joel’s greatest hits in the car. That was kind of random, but who cares? That’s how my mind works a lot of the time; one thought will trigger another thought that is not *obviously* related. That’s sort of how this essay is too, with the new paragraph separated by three dots indicating a small break in the thought process. The brain is such a complex organ that we will never be able to fully understand it. I recently finished reading Wuthering Heights, and the story affected me emotionally. For some reason, I associate the song “Don’t Look back in Anger” by Oasis with the ending of that book. When I hear the song, I immediately think of the dedication Heathcliff had to Catherine. The thing is, the lyrics to the song have nothing to do with Wuthering Heights whatsoever. In fact, the lyrics don’t make any sense at all. So, it’s the song’s melody that I associate with it. It’s true that I was listening to the song and reading the book in the same time period, but I was also listening to other music. It’s like I made my own movie soundtrack; it reminds me of Jung’s synchronicity.

Travel & Solitude

I’m feeling a type of anxiety right now, not knowing exactly what to do. There are several options. I could go visit my parents; they live about an hour away. I could go to Nashville, which is less than an hour away. I love to visit McKay’s Books. They have the largest selection of books I’ve ever seen. I’m really impressed by their philosophy section. My friends’ band is playing tonight in Nashville, and I could go see them. My problem is that I want to go places; I love to travel, but I don’t know what to do when I get there. I don’t mind being by myself in a crowd of people I don’t know at all, but if I get around people I only halfway know, that’s when it gets awkward. They know who I am, and they know I’m different. Total strangers don’t care. Close friends don’t judge. I’ve done a lot of travelling by myself. Being by yourself is just easier in a lot of ways. I’ve lived by myself most of my adult life, but when I took my job in Las Vegas, I had to live with various other men. I survived, but when that job ended and I finally got to be by myself again, it was a great relief. I want solitude, but I also want to get out in the world and live life! If there could only be a perfect mixture of both.

Update: Last night I decided to go out. First, I went to McKay’s and browsed but didn’t buy anything. Then I went to Barnes and Noble. Finally, I went to see the band. The drive to the show was cool because I saw Nashville’s skyline, which, although nothing compared to NYC, Shanghai, or Beijing, still gives me a good feeling. I spoke with my friends in the band. The bassist said he might get to record Mark Slaughter, from the famous glam-rock band Slaughter, who I used to watch on MTV as a teenager. So, I’m only a few degrees away from this fantasy world, and sometimes only one degree away. It’s amazing that you can go to an unfamiliar place, meet up with people you know, and shape your own reality, based on your dreams as a kid. I made a video of their band playing, and they were appreciative of it, so my awkwardness did not defeat me this time! But I didn’t stay long. One problem I have is that it’s in a bar. I don’t think either of my two band friends drink, so that made it better, but a lot of the time, if everybody around me is drinking, then I hate it, especially because it loosens up their inhibitions and they want you to feel the way they do. You are obviously the one who’s isolated and not having fun with them. Plus, I hate when people ask me why I’m not drinking. So, I just stayed long enough to make a connection, but not long enough for it to get weird or to make new friends.

Today is Sunday so the weekend is almost over. I already have a routine for my weekends, but it is never exciting so it might be a good idea to come up with something else. I’ve always based my friendships on work or a common goal. When I was in college, I made friends because we were in the same class and could study together, helping each other out. Studying for difficult classes was time consuming, and I loved to stay in the college library studying for 10+ hours in a day. Many people I knew would come into the library at different times, including people who were in bands that my band played shows with. But most of my college friendships dissolved after I graduated. My band was playing a lot of shows at that time too, and many friendships were formed with other musicians and fans. I used to work hard at promoting shows, putting up fliers all over town and going to other shows so I could hand out small fliers to individuals. I tried to use this as an icebreaker. All this time, I had the option of going off and being by myself. I’m still on good terms with my musician friends, but I don’t talk to any of them much. Besides my parents, I only have one old friend I communicate with on a regular basis, and that’s only by text-message. So, I need to find people with a common goal. That’s my problem.

Water & Nostalgia

I’ve just ‘discovered’ the pool at my new apartment. I feel as if this will give me some new serenity that I’ve been needing. When I was working in Arizona, I would get up early so I could meditate outside of our hotel pool before work. Most people are aware of the peaceful feeling that comes with being near the water. I’m feeling it strongly right now. My apartment has a patio, and I tried going outside to read, but the bugs, wind, and temperature usually don’t out-weight the comfort of being indoors. The water does outweigh it though. I’m also wired off the quad-shot espresso I had earlier at Fainting Goat. That coffee really sped up the thoughts in my head, so I knew I’d have plenty to write about. I really do like Spring Hill, possibly even more than Nashville. I have a fascination with the ‘vibe’ of certain places; I used to have this fascination with Florence, AL, especially UNA, but hopefully I’m over that now. The new abortion bill made me not want to go back to that state. The Great Gatsby really changed my attitude toward dwelling on the past. I think really, deep down, what some of us miss the most about it is just being young. When I was home for Christmas break in 2017 while I was working in Vegas, I went to visit a friend I had not seen since 2004. We sat and talked for a couple hours, reminiscing about the old days. After leaving her apartment and driving back to my parents’ house, where I was staying on my break, I had an overwhelming feeling of nostalgia. It was one of the best feelings I’d had in a long time, one of the best feeling I’d ever had in my life. I think we create in our minds what’s important to us, and to an extent, what we take pleasure in. I had alienated myself from the entire scene that she and I were associated with, because of my emotions, but I had an affection for that group of friends that I didn’t have for my other friends. A couple months ago, I went to visit her again. This time, we weren’t alone. Other estranged friends showed up. But this time, I didn’t have the same intense feeling of nostalgia.

I have a similar type of feeling with music as I do with friends. It can be difficult to feel this type of effect, because we constantly hear music from our past on the radio and the like. But if I hear a song from my past that haven’t heard in years, I’ll get the same feeling. It’s usually a song that I didn’t care for too much at the time though. If it was one of my favorite bands, then I probably played it steadily at the time and throughout the years. The replaying of that abandoned song brings back those memories associated with it. Even if the music was recorded and was most popular during the ‘60’s, if I listened to the recording in the ‘90’s, then it brings back memories from the later time. When I went to visit my old friend, we talked about the music we listened to. (Not my favorite bands but *our* favorite bands.) So, when I listened to those songs on the way home, it seemed to have twice the effect. But as I play the songs on repeat, that feeling fades away. The same goes with people. The same goes with water, with locations, with everything. I guess the moral for me is to always seek new adventures and ideas so I can always feel fresh instead of stale. Keep an open mind; don’t be set in your ways like so many older people are.

Reading & Writing

This is the first time in my life I’ve ever tried to sit down and just write for an hour straight. I’m hoping the words will just flow out, it’ll be fun, and I won’t be able to stop. I am so obsessed with reading that it only seems natural that I would be into writing as well. Just as my love of listening to music made me want to play guitar, sing, etc. I guess I sort of have a jealousy of people who create art and preserve their legacy. Plato is remembered over two thousand years after his death, but most of his contemporaries have long been forgotten even though I’m sure many people cared about them at the time. It’s sort of like becoming immortal. I’ve watched YouTube videos on writing and got the impression that it doesn’t have to be good as long as you write something. Something is better than nothing. I love the aesthetic of a thick book. There’s so much potential of exploring someone else’s thoughts. With this aesthetic, the quality of the writing doesn’t matter as much as the fact that whatever they were thinking was documented. This is especially true for stuff that’s hundreds of years old. It’s like a time machine! One of the ideas I came across on one of the social media platforms was ‘The only thing a person has to do to become a good writer is read.’ So now, at this point in my essay, I wonder what writers my essay is most like. I’m thinking of the Beat poets, who I’m not a huge fan of (except for Burroughs; I’m a huge fan of Burroughs). Maybe because they just write whatever’s on their mind, like I’m doing. Joe Hill said in one of his interviews that if he had to pick between only reading and only writing, he’d choose reading. Ironically, reading is what has probably caused me to start my essay writing so late in the game; I knew writing would cut into my precious reading time. I have written a lot of book reviews on Goodreads though. Here’s something for someone who thinks they won’t have anything to write about. Do you not have a lot of different thoughts throughout your day? I’m the type of person who doesn’t necessarily talk a lot. (That’s not entirely true. It depends who you are. I talk a lot to certain people.) I’d like to think that most of my thoughts are not proper for normal conversation. I don’t care to burden people with something they don’t want to hear about. If you are reading this and don’t like it, you can always just stop, unless at some time in the distant future this is being used for a class, which I doubt will happen. That makes this different than normal conversation or even public speaking. Another thing that I anticipated might happen was that the writing would spark a whole lot of new ideas, and I could just follow my own ideas down the rabbit-hole. Unfortunately, that’s not happening right now on the level I had hoped for. I can still anticipate this might happen after many hours of trial-and-error.

My refrigerator is making a noise. It’s been doing that since I moved into this apartment and is only slightly annoying. I don’t have a problem reading easy-reads with the noise; I certainly don’t have a problem doing social media (memes, etc.); my only real problem is with hard-reads. I don’t generally get angry at the refrigerator. It’s an inanimate object, after all. I live right next door to a library, which is the coolest thing ever. I visit the library frequently. I’ve only checked out one book so far, but I’ve bought a few. I spend a lot of time browsing the books in there. They don’t have a great selection, but I can make do. I periodicaly set aside an hour to sit in there and read one of the books. I’m reading Infinite Jest in there. I thought I’d just sit in there and read it instead of checking it out because I thought I wouldn’t be able to finish it before the 4^th checkout deadline. Looks like I’m going to be spending a lot of time in the library! (It’s a long book.) PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: You’re supposed to be quiet in the library. Sometimes people will bring their bratty little kids in there and they can’t be quiet, disturbing my reading. I get mad at the parents, probably without justification. This just made me think of Zhuangzi’s writing where he points out how we feel anger towards humans but not nature. If you have anger issues, this is something to think about. Sometimes it’s best not to judge at all.